My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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