I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
oh god the rape fog is back!
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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