I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I will pee on everything he values.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
