i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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