I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
