I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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