man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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