The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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