I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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