She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
