All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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