So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
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Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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