Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
