dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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