I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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