my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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