1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
