some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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