that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
