We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
