dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
no, he came in my armpit
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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