I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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