After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
