just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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