I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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