Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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