My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i drank out of a bidet.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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