I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
