this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
