i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
