genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
