so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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