I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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