i think my tv is drunk
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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