So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
