Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
