capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
