I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
