Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
