i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
