My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
