Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
