What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
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Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
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A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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