apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
