come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
