bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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