I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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