what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
