its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
