seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
