Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
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Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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