I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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