Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You dont lie about slip and slides
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
