you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
