God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
