she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
