So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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