Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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