Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
