oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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