I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
